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| It has been ages since I updated this thing... When you have like 3-4 blogs, you lose track. Cliff notes... Got married to a wonderful girl (whew finally a good one) on December 3, 2005. So far so great all the way to present.... Then I found out a few months ago... I'M GONNA BE A DAD!!!!! WooT.... It looks like things work themselves out in times.. I just thought I would give a quick update to the people I consider friends that I've lost contact with. Oh... and if you want to catch up... add me on myspace..... username doognhopie...
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| I sat for a while tonight, reading the long story of my recent life
that takes the form of my xanga. All I have to say is wow... I
had one of those situations that is a set-back but for some reason...
I'm not that upset at the moment. I started looking for solace,
and I began to read the words I had written so long ago.
One of the reasons I love my xanga, is that it
is an unedited true history as I never delete a comment or entry
regardless of nature. With that said, I read across my first
words and realized how much I've changed since their publication.
I'm not nearly as angsty and cynical as I was back then, I don't think
the whole universe is out to get me, or that love is impossible.
It's nice to look back and see how much you have grown in your life,
much like when you were a child and your parents marked a wall or door
frame as you grew. It gives you perspective on how your life
really is. I may have had my share of troubles, but I wouldn't be
the person I am now without them.
Granted ,also, I've had my share of gushing with
girl like glee when I think I have found a suitable romantic interest,
or mourning the end of a relationship. Perhaps that is one of my
faults... this is my jounal... and while this may sound quite arrogant,
it's about my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, and my aspirations.
And no relationship should ever be your soul aspiration in life.
EVER. I'm single now. Have been for awhile, though it was
kind of up in the air there for a while. I don't have a problem
with it, I'm a whole being, I function just fine on my own. Which
ironically is something I would have never said years ago. In my
old entries I talked about true honest love all the blasted time.(I
guess it was the psychology of "if you talk about it enough, you'll
find it...lol) I think wholeheartedly it exists (argue all you
like you cynics...) but it, admittedly is a hard thing to find.
But just like any quest in life, sometimes the journey is more
important than the destination.. Think of all the lovely things
you would pass up in life if you were so focused on the destination and
oblivious to all the wonderful things all around you. I've lived
like that for a while. Now it's over. I'm ready for a new
adventure, something bigger, more exciting, and more true... Life
is a short time when you really think of it... and you can turn it into
an ordeal or into a dream, the choice is yours. And frankly, I'm
over the ordeal thing... When you realize that all the events in your
life (no matter how seemingly tragic to you they are, most likely they
aren't that tragic) they play a part at making you a stronger person
and preparing you for the road ahead... If I had never had a
single setback then got dropped into the place I was in life a while
ago, I probably wouldn't have been here today... but I was ready for
it... tempered by the foundry that is thousands of minor
setbacks...
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| When you walk away
You don't hear me say
Please, oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go
You're giving me too many things lately
You're all I need
You smiled at me and said,
Don't get me wrong I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you'll understand
What I meant when I said,
"No, I don't think life is quite that simple."
When you walk away
You don't hear me say
Please, oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go
(So simple and clean...)
The daily things
(Like this and that and what is what.)
That keep us all busy
Are confusing me
That's when you came to me and said,
Wish I could prove I love you
But does taht mean I have to walk on water?
When we are older you'll understand
It's enough when I say so
And maybe, some things are quite that simple
When you walk away
You don't hear me say
Please, oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go
Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before
When you walk away
You don't hear me say
Please, oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go
Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before
I
don't know why things have to be so complicated in this world. To me
things are simple and defined, and when they aren't I long for them to
be so. Love is one of the things that is always been such a mystery to
me, to me it is something basic, primal, and beyond your control. It
seems as though personally, I get involved with some extraordinary
people in very unfortunate situations. In my heart, love is so simple
and pure, something that just runs it's course with no intervention,
that isn't to say that you don't have to maintain your relationships
and lives together, but love is something that exists outside it and of
its own accord. I wish I could draw a line in the sand and say this is
the turning point for the rest of my life, but that is far beyone my
control, only the gods know what will be thrown my way and how I will
react. But this I do say, I have all the other parts of my life falling
into order, I'm in school again, work is going better than ever, bills
are getting caught up faster, I'm more succesful than I've been in a
long time, now I want someone to share it with. I don't just want a
bloody relationship to be in, I'd rather be with no one than the wrong
one, I hate loveless relationships. I want someone that views things
like I do, has a heart that is like mine, someone that still dreams
while wide awake, someone that will push me when I can push no more,
someone to hold me when I fall, someone that will be honest with me
when I'm wrong or I've wronged them. I'm tired of games, tired of
indecisiveness, tired of people being cautious until it chokes the life
out of pure and true... I went through a time like that. That time has
passed, I am who I am now, and I expose more of myself than in good
conscious I should. But to me, it is better to be true to your heart
and run the risk of the damage that might be inflicted, than to choke
it off and slowly sufficate it to death. At least in exposing it, it
has a chance, an honest chance to fight back and thrive. I grow ill
with the nature of people these days... not with people, humanity is a
beautiful thing. We are capable of the greatest dreams or the darkest
nightmares, we can bring ourselves joy or pain, either the highs or the
lows take the same amount of effort, we make a conscious choice at
which to be. I chose a while back to be happy, and I have been, but
regardless of what success I've had, and how far I've come, the fact
remains that something is missing from it. There is a person whom has
fit the bill rather well, but is again in a complicated situation...
And for some reason she is who is on my mind as I write this. You say
you still have feelings for me, as do I you, but hard decisions must be
made... not only by you, but by me.... I wish it were simple and clean
like it was in the beginning... in life and in love...
| | |
| Ladies and Gentlemen, this is gonna be a long, bumpy ride...
I'm Ill, in
the physical sense, and also in the emotional sense. I'm a little delerius right
now, my head is clouded with so many things that need to be aired and tonight I
am going to do that, right here, right now. I've had an astounding level of
emotional constopation, I've denied so many emotions, so many thoughts, that I
need to get them out lest they explode. It may cause more drama, I don't really
care at this point, as someone once said the truth shall set you free. I'm gonna
go in chronological order and deal with this step by step.
The first
thing that I dealt with on a major scale was things with Haley... Did I love
her? Hell yes, I did. What caused things to go so badly at the end? I don't
quite know, she never told me that something was wrong. I was very hurt by her,
and for a long time, very, very, angry. I let go of all that. I don't know what
caused all of it, but I do remember the good times, and I don't regret a thing.
But I'm over the emotions involved, and I've moved on with my life. I don't wish
anything bad on Haley in the least... I didn't even when all hell broke loose.
But now she curses me, is rude to me, and otherwise intereferes with some
aspects of my life. Haley, if you read this, even if you don't, I don't want to
fight with you, and I don't want to bicker with you. You were something very
special to me at one point, but that is the past, and I'm willing to let the
past die, and the contempt with it. I'm not saying I want you back or that I
still have emotions, what I am saying is it would be nice if you would show me
the same respect that I show you. I tried to be nice and joke with you at the
store, and all I got in return was dirty glares and rude comments under your
breath. If I can let the past die after what happened, so should you. I've
matured a lot in a very short time.
The second matter is Katie, I don't
pretend to know what happened there either. I had sincere feelings for you
Katie, and I thought you were the beginning of something special. I was hurt by
how things ended, because of how great the beginning was. I don't understand why
they did, nor do I know how you really feel about things. I have to hear things
before I know what is actually going on. I wish I could read minds, but alas I
cannot. But from the very beginning I felt a connection with you , but there was
always a hint that you were holding something back, that you denied yourself. I
want to be friends with you, I care about what happens to you, there maybe more
to this story in the future, but right now I need your friendship.
Cody
is number three on this chronological list. I never meant for what happened to
happen. Cody, you were one of my favorite people. I don't blame you regardless
of what you feel towards me right now. I'm confused as hell, and that makes for
a dangerous mix. I should have never stepped on your toes, I should have never
interfered. I didn't realize you and amanda were still so connected. And had I
known the scope of what your connection was it would never have came about. What
I do have to say to you is an honest and sincere apology. I'm sorry for making
things even more complicated. I don't expect that to make things right, or to
correct things, I don't blame you if you never speak to me again. But know this,
it was never my intention to hurt you.
Jenn, you are next. Look, I don't
like what you did in busting things open before we could deal with them, you
spread information that shouldn't have been spread. But... I can appreciate the
gravity of your situation. When people are turning to you constantly with too
much drama that has nothing to do with you it can begin to grate on you
emotionally. I'm sorry for dumping on you too much as a confidant. You were to
close to the situation to bring into it. I'm sorry for all the drama, and
letting things get out of hand. I'm in no way saying what you did is right or
ok, but I am saying that I am sorry for dragging you into it to begin
with.
Then next part is Kris... I know he will prolly never read this...
but this isn't for anyone elses sake, it's for mine. He has always been among my
best friends. Things are changing these days, we are growing apart... we are
following very different paths. Kris I respect you as a friend, and I know I
haven't been the best friend I could be lately, I'm so absorbed in all the
fucking drama right now, that I am just starting to find myslef again. As I told
you today, I don't have a problem with you being friends with Haley, but I do
have have a problem with you going along with her being vendictive at the store.
Respect me more, and I'll respect you more. Friends don't let people talk about
their friends. We have been through some rough times, and we've always been
there when no one else was. Don't forget that. As long as you still want me as a
friend I will still get your back when the shit hits the fan, all I ask is the
same.
And that brings us to Amanda. Amanda, you have been a great friend,
you have stood beside me in all this fucking drama. You've caught me when I've
staggered and fell more than once over the last couple weeks. There are few
people that are still around me right now, I've been trying to hide from the
inevitable, but you were there when few others were. I like you Amanda, I have
deep feelings for you, it may just be that it is one of the best friendships I
have ever had, but that is something even I am at a loss to answer. Amanda, any,
and I do mean ANY person is lucky enough to know you, but the person that ends
up with you in the end will be one lucky bastard. Thank you for making my life a
lot happier as of late, making me smile when I thought I couldn't. I do have an
interest in you romantically, but that would NEVER be worth losing you as a
friend. Some things and people are too important to risk loosing. But what
happens, happens.
That was pretty much the extent of what I had to say
to most individuals, of course there is some things I am leaving out, I am on
the verge of delerium... I want so much to set things right in my life, but this
is the first logical step. Facing the things that are wrong, rather than turning
my back and running away... I've done too much running. I've ran the majority of
my life, this time around I draw my line in the sand, right here, right now. No
more petty lies, no more he said she said. IT is all here for anyone and
everything to see. And this is earnest reality, because I have nothing to lose
and everything to gain. Today is a new day. A day in which I take back tomorrow.
Be forewarned, things are changing, balance is back and things are getting
better fast. My Karma is improving 10 fold, and now I have a clear heart and
concience. My cards are on the table and where it leads is out of my
hands.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me.
Through
my eyes stare into me.
I bear my heart for all to see.
With my face turned
to the sun there ever standing still.
It wasn't you it wasn't me it
wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I
let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant
days I long to sense it all so clear. | | |
| Ladies and Gentlemen, this is gonna be a long, bumpy ride...
I'm Ill, in
the physical sense, and also in the emotional sense. I'm a little delerius right
now, my head is clouded with so many things that need to be aired and tonight I
am going to do that, right here, right now. I've had an astounding level of
emotional constopation, I've denied so many emotions, so many thoughts, that I
need to get them out lest they explode. It may cause more drama, I don't really
care at this point, as someone once said the truth shall set you free. I'm gonna
go in chronological order and deal with this step by step.
The first
thing that I dealt with on a major scale was things with Haley... Did I love
her? Hell yes, I did. What caused things to go so badly at the end? I don't
quite know, she never told me that something was wrong. I was very hurt by her,
and for a long time, very, very, angry. I let go of all that. I don't know what
caused all of it, but I do remember the good times, and I don't regret a thing.
But I'm over the emotions involved, and I've moved on with my life. I don't wish
anything bad on Haley in the least... I didn't even when all hell broke loose.
But now she curses me, is rude to me, and otherwise intereferes with some
aspects of my life. Haley, if you read this, even if you don't, I don't want to
fight with you, and I don't want to bicker with you. You were something very
special to me at one point, but that is the past, and I'm willing to let the
past die, and the contempt with it. I'm not saying I want you back or that I
still have emotions, what I am saying is it would be nice if you would show me
the same respect that I show you. I tried to be nice and joke with you at the
store, and all I got in return was dirty glares and rude comments under your
breath. If I can let the past die after what happened, so should you. I've
matured a lot in a very short time.
The second matter is Katie, I don't
pretend to know what happened there either. I had sincere feelings for you
Katie, and I thought you were the beginning of something special. I was hurt by
how things ended, because of how great the beginning was. I don't understand why
they did, nor do I know how you really feel about things. I have to hear things
before I know what is actually going on. I wish I could read minds, but alas I
cannot. But from the very beginning I felt a connection with you , but there was
always a hint that you were holding something back, that you denied yourself. I
want to be friends with you, I care about what happens to you, there maybe more
to this story in the future, but right now I need your friendship.
Cody
is number three on this chronological list. I never meant for what happened to
happen. Cody, you were one of my favorite people. I don't blame you regardless
of what you feel towards me right now. I'm confused as hell, and that makes for
a dangerous mix. I should have never stepped on your toes, I should have never
interfered. I didn't realize you and amanda were still so connected. And had I
known the scope of what your connection was it would never have came about. What
I do have to say to you is an honest and sincere apology. I'm sorry for making
things even more complicated. I don't expect that to make things right, or to
correct things, I don't blame you if you never speak to me again. But know this,
it was never my intention to hurt you.
Jenn, you are next. Look, I don't
like what you did in busting things open before we could deal with them, you
spread information that shouldn't have been spread. But... I can appreciate the
gravity of your situation. When people are turning to you constantly with too
much drama that has nothing to do with you it can begin to grate on you
emotionally. I'm sorry for dumping on you too much as a confidant. You were to
close to the situation to bring into it. I'm sorry for all the drama, and
letting things get out of hand. I'm in no way saying what you did is right or
ok, but I am saying that I am sorry for dragging you into it to begin
with.
Then next part is Kris... I know he will prolly never read this...
but this isn't for anyone elses sake, it's for mine. He has always been among my
best friends. Things are changing these days, we are growing apart... we are
following very different paths. Kris I respect you as a friend, and I know I
haven't been the best friend I could be lately, I'm so absorbed in all the
fucking drama right now, that I am just starting to find myslef again. As I told
you today, I don't have a problem with you being friends with Haley, but I do
have have a problem with you going along with her being vendictive at the store.
Respect me more, and I'll respect you more. Friends don't let people talk about
their friends. We have been through some rough times, and we've always been
there when no one else was. Don't forget that. As long as you still want me as a
friend I will still get your back when the shit hits the fan, all I ask is the
same.
And that brings us to Amanda. Amanda, you have been a great friend,
you have stood beside me in all this fucking drama. You've caught me when I've
staggered and fell more than once over the last couple weeks. There are few
people that are still around me right now, I've been trying to hide from the
inevitable, but you were there when few others were. I like you Amanda, I have
deep feelings for you, it may just be that it is one of the best friendships I
have ever had, but that is something even I am at a loss to answer. Amanda, any,
and I do mean ANY person is lucky enough to know you, but the person that ends
up with you in the end will be one lucky bastard. Thank you for making my life a
lot happier as of late, making me smile when I thought I couldn't. I do have an
interest in you romantically, but that would NEVER be worth losing you as a
friend. Some things and people are too important to risk loosing. But what
happens, happens.
That was pretty much the extent of what I had to say
to most individuals, of course there is some things I am leaving out, I am on
the verge of delerium... I want so much to set things right in my life, but this
is the first logical step. Facing the things that are wrong, rather than turning
my back and running away... I've done too much running. I've ran the majority of
my life, this time around I draw my line in the sand, right here, right now. No
more petty lies, no more he said she said. IT is all here for anyone and
everything to see. And this is earnest reality, because I have nothing to lose
and everything to gain. Today is a new day. A day in which I take back tomorrow.
Be forewarned, things are changing, balance is back and things are getting
better fast. My Karma is improving 10 fold, and now I have a clear heart and
concience. My cards are on the table and where it leads is out of my
hands.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me.
Through
my eyes stare into me.
I bear my heart for all to see.
With my face turned
to the sun there ever standing still.
It wasn't you it wasn't me it
wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I
let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant
days I long to sense it all so clear. | | |
|
